The Three Things Standing Between You And Getting The Deal You Want
By Charity Madenyika
My name is Charity Madenyika, I am the founder of Chazma Shalom Mediation, aiming to help rebuild broken relationships. Building broken relationships is not just something I do as a skill. For me it is a calling and vocation. It is something that comes from deep within me, at the core of who I am. I love people and would like to see each person flourish to fully attain their God-given potential and enjoy life to the full. Relationships is what we humans are made to enjoy, as each one of us need to relate to someone.
Before I moved to the UK, I worked for the National Employment Council for the Motor Industry of Zimbabwe, where I was involved in the collective bargaining process. I observed how the parties involved would haggle and navigate the negotiation until a deal was made. In the beginning, each party had justifications for the position they were negotiating. But eventually both parties (i.e. the employer and employee) would have to adjust their position after considering the other party’s submission. This eventually led to an acceptable deal and not necessarily a favourable one for both parties. Compromises were made and usually not equally by both parties.
We are involved in similar negotiations daily. When we talk ourselves into having desert with the promise of a workout tomorrow, or with a child who is seeking a curfew extension. At work when negotiating a raise or making a sale. Even with our friends when we are choosing which movie to watch or which activity to do. The magnitude of the deals differs, but we make them every day. Each little deal, each little compromise affects how we live our day, and ultimately how we live our lives. If you are using a dysfunctional decision-making matrix, you could end up dissatisfied with your life, feeling victimised by everyone around you, taken advantage of, unappreciated and generally unhappy.
I took a bold step to move to the UK in 2005, to totally change my career and study Theology and Counselling. I was determined to follow my passion to serve people. I became a Church Minister, Counsellor and Mediator. I have become an expert in building bridges and helping people mend what appear to be irreparably broken relationships. I have worked with people from different backgrounds, cultures and ethnicities, and discovered that we have more in common than we have differences. We all struggle with relationships regardless of background. These struggles all stem from similar sources.
Your past and where you come from forms the basis of the values you live by, your sense of personal identity, your understanding of the nature of relationships and how you behave in a family setting.
The big question here is: how do you respond to your family of origin experience? Did you have great experiences that you take for granted, or tough experiences that you are seeking healing and renewal from the damage?
This is the reason why it is said hurt people hurt people. They do not know how to act any other way, because they have been coded that way by their past. Those with a healthy family background tend to grow up secure with strength, integrity, and love.
Victims of abuse or people who grew up in abusive households often gravitate towards abusive relationships, or otherwise become abusers themselves.
It is therefore of critical importance for one to examine their past and see how it is affecting their current reality. This is an empowering exercise, although it can be painful to relive the past. Ultimately, you will consciously be able to choose the kind of life you want to live and let go of your previous paradigm.
Your Relationship With Yourself
You teach others how to treat you, which is why your relationship with yourself is crucial to getting the deal you want. If you feel unworthy you will never fight for anything; if you lack confidence in your abilities you will shy away from opportunities. And if you endure self-loathing you will allow your self to be abused by others.
Can you receive compliments? Or do you always find a way to negate it like “oh, this old thing” when complimented about a beautiful dress. Are you so afraid of being judged that you never volunteer to do anything. Do you never express an opinion for fear you will alienate people. Are you a people-pleaser, always doing what others want without regard for your own needs? Are you letting others walk all over you?
In obvious and less obvious ways, we place a value on our opinions, emotions and appearance that invite a similar reaction from the people we interact with. If you want people to value you, you need to start valuing yourself more. Become more certain of what you want, what you will tolerate and what is unacceptable to you. Self-love helps you get the deal you want by ensuring that your inner self is taken care of.
Your Ability To Communicate
All relationships are based on communication. It is truly vital that you learn how to communicate effectively in order to get the deal you want.
Consider this: you spent many years in school practising how to communicate through pen and paper and most likely perfected the art. However, it is important to understand that as much as reading and writing are communication styles, so are speaking and listening. In fact, these are the four vital styles of communication. Think of every one of the hours you use up doing at least one of those four activities.
An effective communicator aims to create a positive attention. To speak in such a technique so what they say can be received by the other person, and to listen genuinely, making evident that they have heard the other person.
The benefits of learning how to communicate well are that it builds trust and respect between you and the other party. It enables the one in need to release his/her emotions. It reduces tensions and encourages the release of information. This creates a safe environment for sharing and problem solving.
If you master your communication, you can own the world.