The Conversation We’re Not Having – Why Money Confidence is Essential for a Thriving Relationship
By Lesley Thomas, Founder of The Money Confidence Academy
We talk about everything when we’re entering a relationship, children, holidays, career plans, even what kind of dog we might want in five years’ time. We talk about where we’ll live, how many bedrooms we’ll need and whether we want a garden or a city pad. We talk about ambitions, dreams and visions for the future.
But most couples don’t talk about money.
Not in a meaningful, open and empowering way.
And that’s a problem. A big one. Because money, or more accurately, the unspoken beliefs, fears, and habits we carry about money, is one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdowns.
Not infidelity.
Not growing apart.
Not different life goals.
Money.
Yet we continue to treat money like a taboo subject. Something we’ll ‘figure out later’. Something we assume we’re aligned on, until we realise we’re absolutely not.
When Love Isn’t Enough
Love is powerful. But it doesn’t pay the bills and it doesn’t resolve tension around spending, saving, debt, or financial goals. And while many of us feel comfortable discussing the logistics of life with our partners, from what we’re having for dinner to where we’ll spend Christmas, money is the conversation that often gets left behind.
Why? Because money carries meaning. It’s tied to our upbringing, our identity, our self-worth and our sense of safety.
If you grew up in a household where money was scarce, you might hold onto every penny in adulthood.
If you were raised with wealth but no financial literacy, you might spend freely without ever learning how to manage or protect it.
If money was a source of conflict growing up, you might avoid the topic altogether, trying to keep the peace.
Now pair that with a partner who has their own money story, likely completely different from yours and it’s no wonder so many couples end up in financial conflict. Not because they don’t love each other. But because they’re speaking entirely different languages when it comes to money, and they don’t even realise it.
What is Money Confidence in a Relationship?
Money confidence is the ability to speak about money without shame, fear, or judgement. It’s being able to say:
- This is how I see money.
- This is what I’m afraid of.
- This is what I value.
- This is what I’ve never been taught, but I’m ready to learn.
It’s knowing your own money mindset and being curious about your partner’s, without assuming it will match yours.
It’s replacing silence with conversation and avoidance with understanding.
Money confidence in a relationship doesn’t mean having all the answers, or earning a six-figure income. It means being willing to sit next to each other at the table and figure things out together.
Why Avoiding the Money Conversation is a Risk
When couples don’t talk about money, they create room for resentment, confusion and misalignment.
Maybe one partner wants to invest in the future, while the other is focused on clearing debts.
Maybe one is saving for a house deposit, while the other is booking spontaneous weekends away.
Maybe one partner secretly has a credit card balance that’s spiralling, while the other thinks they’re both on track.
Without clarity and shared understanding, even the most loving relationships can begin to fracture.
Financial friction turns into blame.
Blame turns into mistrust.
And mistrust is hard to repair once it’s rooted.
Building a Financially Confident Partnership
So how do we shift this? How do we normalise talking about money in our relationships without it turning into conflict or comparison?
We start with ownership.
We stop waiting for the “right time” and begin creating it.
We approach the money conversation not with blame or shame, but with curiosity and a desire to build something stronger, together.
Here are some questions to open up the conversation:
What are your non-negotiables when it comes to money?
What do you wish you knew more about?
It’s not about perfect answers, it’s about open dialogue.
And if those questions feel difficult to answer, that’s not a sign of failure. It’s a sign that there’s work to do, individually and as a couple. That’s where support from a money coach or mentor can be game-changing.
Redefining Relationship Goals
We need to redefine what a healthy, successful relationship looks like. It’s not just shared values or love languages. It’s also shared financial understanding.
Being aligned on money doesn’t mean you have identical habits, it means you have shared awareness, shared respect and a shared plan.
It means you know how to talk about money when it’s flowing and when it’s tight.
It means you can disagree without disconnecting.
It means you are both financially empowered, not relying on one partner to “handle it all.”
Because when one person holds the financial power, the relationship becomes unbalanced and resentment isn’t far behind.
Money confidence brings equity, respect and clarity.
And those are the ingredients for a thriving relationship, not just a surviving one.
Final Thoughts
The strongest couples I know? They talk about money.
Not just the practicalities, but the emotions, the mindset, the lessons they’ve carried and the ones they want to unlearn.
They understand that money isn’t just about numbers, it’s about identity, freedom and power.
They make space for the messy conversations because they know what’s on the other side is worth it.
So if you’re in a relationship, ask yourself this, ‘are we building our financial future together, or are we just hoping it will sort itself out?’
It’s time to change the conversation.
Because if you can’t talk about money with the person you share your life with, who can you talk to?
Lesley Thomas is the founder of The Money Confidence Academy and host of the Let’s Talk Money and More podcast.
For more information visit, www.themoneyconfidenceacdemy.com, to find out more about Lesley, her coaching and resources. Or connect with her on LinkedIn
www.linkedin.com/in/lesley-thomas
Tune into the ‘Let’s Talk Money and more’ podcast, to hear from Lesley and her guests, talking everything money, mindset and financial growth.
