Love & Lust When You’re Neurodivergent: An Interview with Bontle Senne & Sara-Louise Ackrill

Navigating love, sex, and relationships can be a challenge for anyone, but for neurodivergent women, it can be even more complex. To mark the release of new ND relationship guide The ND Lovers Club, we spoke to co-authors Bontle Senne and Sara-Louise Ackrill – who are themselves neurodivergent – to find out more about why they are on a mission to rewrite the rulebook on romance.

Your book is a mix of manifesto and self-help – both empowering and practical. If The ND Lovers Club had a mission statement, what would it be?

Bontle Senne (BS): There is a dual mission: self-acceptance and self-growth. Too often, neurodivergent women feel like they are the problem in a difficult situation. We want them to know that they are not alone, not a burden, and that ‘different’ does not mean ‘less than.’ At the same time, we encourage growth – if something isn’t working, it’s never too late to change. Our book is not about asking neurodivergent people to fit into neurotypical expectations but about empowering them to shape their own paths.

Sara-Louise Ackrill (SLA): To show ND women they aren’t alone. We don’t just say this in the book; we demonstrate it by sharing our own experiences and showing that we, too, have had to design our lives in our own image. We want readers to realise that there’s no one ‘correct’ way to love and that their relationships can be just as fulfilling and valid as anyone else’s.

Dating can feel overwhelmingly complex for neurodivergent people. What’s one piece of basic relationship advice you wish you’d known earlier?

BS: Being comfortable around someone is a prerequisite for being yourself with them. Understanding what relaxes you first and then being able to do that in the presence of a partner is key. It’s not just about what the other person brings to the table – it’s about knowing yourself well enough to articulate what you need. Too many of us have been conditioned to believe that we must conform to certain dating norms to be ‘worthy’ of love, but that’s simply not true.

SLA: And relaxing doesn’t mean drinking alcohol or zoning out. It means genuinely feeling at ease, without having to mask who you are. I used to think relationships had to involve a lot of social effort, constantly trying to impress or ‘perform’ for my partner. But real love should allow you to be unfiltered and at peace. That’s the foundation of a truly healthy relationship.

You challenge traditional relationship milestones: marriage, moving in together, having kids. If you could rewrite the ‘standard love story’ script, what would the neurodivergent version look like?

BS: A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure story where no version of love is ‘wrong.’ Sexuality, gender, commitment, and monogamy all play out differently for everyone, as long as there is privacy, space, and respect for autonomy. The key is that people should feel empowered to design a relationship that works for them rather than feeling trapped by societal expectations.

SLA: The idea that one size fits all just doesn’t work for ND people. Some of us thrive in unconventional arrangements: long-distance relationships, solo polyamory, or partnerships where cohabitation isn’t the end goal. The neurodivergent love story should celebrate those differences rather than force conformity.

Many neurodivergent people experience ‘parallel play’ – being together but engaged in separate activities. What are some of your favourite ‘ND-friendly’ ways to build intimacy that neurotypical couples might never think of?

BS: Sitting together but reading different books, watching different things on separate devices, or even just existing in the same space in comfortable silence. Sometimes, it’s the freedom to unmask in front of someone without the pressure to interact constantly that fosters the deepest intimacy.

SLA: I don’t think many ND people realise this is even an option until they learn more about themselves. It’s about sharing space without forcing interaction – playing a game while wearing headphones, engaging in separate activities while still feeling connected. The beauty of neurodivergent intimacy is that it doesn’t have to fit traditional models to be meaningful.

The ND Lovers Club co-authors Sara-Louise Ackrill, left, & Bontle Senne, right, are rewriting the rulebook on romance to help neurodivergent women better navigate the complexities and challenges of intimacy.

Communication is a huge theme in your book – especially the challenges of self-advocacy. What’s a practical strategy ND women can use to make their needs clearer in relationships?

BS: There’s no shortcut – practise expressing your needs. Start small before tackling bigger conversations. Communication skills are like muscles: the more you use them, the stronger they become. It’s okay if you struggle at first – the important thing is to keep trying.

SLA: And check how you feel when you mention your neurodivergence. If you feel unsafe or like you have to constantly explain yourself, that’s a red flag. It could be about limiting beliefs you have, or it could be a sign the person isn’t accepting of who you are. Either way, self-awareness is key.

Society often sees neurodivergence as a barrier to fulfilling relationships, but you highlight its strengths. Can you share a personal example of how being ND has been a positive force in dating or relationships?

BS: We wouldn’t call it a superpower, but we are often particularly authentic, honest, and loyal. When I was online dating, I noticed men were drawn to the transparency of my profile – I was upfront about what I wanted and who I was, which helped filter out incompatible matches early on.

SLA: That honesty and lack of hidden agendas are qualities a lot of people appreciate. Who doesn’t want a partner who is direct and loyal? Being neurodivergent often means having a heightened sense of justice and integrity, which can be a real asset in a relationship.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) can make dating feel like an emotional rollercoaster. What advice would you give to ND people struggling with RSD in relationships?

BS: RSD can be triggered by even the slightest perceived rejection. Talking to people about it and seeking professional support, whether through therapy or coaching, can make a difference. Learning to separate feelings from facts is also helpful – just because you feel rejected doesn’t necessarily mean you are being rejected.

SLA: It’s not just about neurodiversity – it’s often linked to complex trauma. I found Brainspotting therapy really transformative in managing RSD. I would also say self-compassion is key. If you can’t be kind to yourself when experiencing RSD, it becomes even harder to navigate relationships.

You mention that ND people often thrive in non-traditional relationship structures, like kink or ethical non-monogamy, because of their emphasis on clear communication and consent. What can all relationships learn from these models?

BS: One of the biggest takeaways from these relationship models is the importance of explicit communication. People in kink and non-monogamous relationships often have detailed discussions about boundaries, desires, and expectations – conversations that, frankly, would benefit any kind of relationship. It eliminates a lot of misunderstandings and ensures that both people feel respected and valued.

SLA: Absolutely! The assumption that a partner ‘should just know’ what you want or need is a major pitfall in many relationships. What these models do well is prioritising check-ins, debriefs, and renegotiations of agreements as relationships evolve. Even in monogamous relationships, regularly checking in with your partner about how they’re feeling, what’s working, and what isn’t, can make a world of difference.

Popular culture is filled with grand romantic gestures – sweeping kisses in the rain, surprise getaways. What’s a neurodivergent-friendly version of a ‘grand romantic gesture’ that actually works?

BS: In The ND Lovers Club, we talk about ‘pebbling’ – a term inspired by how penguins gift pebbles to their mates. For ND people, grand gestures don’t always need to be dramatic; sometimes, they’re as simple as remembering someone’s favourite snack and leaving it for them, or sending a meme that made you think of them.

SLA: For many of us, traditional grand gestures can feel overwhelming – surprise trips or big public displays of affection might trigger anxiety rather than joy. Thoughtful, small acts of consideration can mean so much more. Recognising when your partner needs quiet time, adapting plans to their energy levels, or creating a space where they feel completely safe are deeply meaningful gestures.

What’s one misconception neurotypical partners often have about dating someone who’s ND?

BS: That if someone isn’t visibly struggling, their neurodivergence must not be that significant. People often assume that because we’re high-functioning in certain areas, we must be fine across the board. In reality, many of us have developed coping mechanisms that make our struggles less visible – but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

SLA: Exactly! I once told someone on a date that I was AuDHD, and he responded with, “I guess it doesn’t affect you much.” It was such a frustrating moment because, in truth, it affects me all the time – I’ve just learned to navigate it. Neurodivergence isn’t something you ‘see’, it’s something we experience internally every day.

What prompted you both to write The ND Lovers Club, and how has the response been so far?

BS: Sara had been writing about limerence (being obsessively infatuated with someone) and relationships for a while, and I had wanted to write a book about relationships too. When I heard her on a podcast, I immediately knew we had to collaborate. The response to our book has been overwhelming – we’ve had messages from people saying they finally feel ‘seen’ in a way they never have before.

SLA: Yes, it’s been amazing. We’ve had people reach out not just to say the book helped them, but that it also helped their partners, siblings, and friends better understand their ND loved ones. That’s been incredibly rewarding.

How has co-authoring the book benefitted it in a way that wouldn’t have been possible if written by just one of you?

BS: Our different perspectives and experiences made the book far more nuanced. We approached similar topics from different angles, which made for a richer discussion.

SLA: I agree. Having two voices meant we could cover a wider range of ND experiences, making the book more relatable to a larger audience. And let’s be honest – writing can be a lonely process! Collaborating meant we could support and challenge each other in ways that made the book even stronger.

The ND Lovers Club: How Neurodivergent Women Lust, Like, and Love by Sara-Louise Ackrill and Bontle Senne is out in paperback and on Kindle.

Images: Courtesy Alexandra Vince