Grief in the Middle of Sexy
By Dr. Manijeh Motaghy
My heart is pounding. My chest tightens, and breath comes scarcely. My family is posting pictures of my handsome boy on our group chat. My beautiful Kuroosh, who passed away eight years ago. It’s his birthday tomorrow. Tears roll down my cheeks. The sigh of sorrow and helplessness takes over my mind. My teeth clench with the hard truth that there are no solutions; nothing I, or his dad, or any God on this planet could do to undo his death. I can’t help but want to curl up and cry. Cry and cry until there are no more tears left in me. Until I can breathe easily again. Until I land in the softness of my own heart—the heart of compassion. He’s not here. I am! Pain is here, but I will not suffer. I will feel the pain—for the love, the memory, for his presence in my life all those years, for having the privilege to be his mother this round of life.
Back to the Present
I breathe, feel my body, feel my inner experience. I let go of feeling alone, feeling pain, and let light come in. I tune back into the masterclass about being sexy, put on by the Global Woman Club as a benefit for members. It’s a wonderful presentation on how to get your sexy back.
While triggered by immense grief, I could hear her soft voice guiding the ladies on this call to find their sexy—to become present with their bodies and emotions and thoughts. Being able to do so, I realized how learning to be with my feelings in a compassionate way has kept my feminine energy soft and alive. It’s good for us and for all we encounter that our feminine sense and soft heart be alive and available. Another suggestion she made was to dance—dance in front of the mirror. I concurred. Dancing is one of the natural happy places I go to. I can dance my heart open, and it’s when I feel most connected to my body, soul, and heart.
Calming Difficult Emotions
With decades of learning, growing, teaching, and life optimization, I’ve found the key to living a fulfilling life is to experience our emotions—but do so wisely, especially the difficult ones. By that, I mean to feel them while evaluating their outcome, their direction, and their impact. This gives us the power to have a say in how we feel.
We don’t have to minimize or exaggerate or shove emotions down. We don’t have to be courageous and tough and tolerate more than we can handle. We don’t have to be peaceful if we’re not feeling calm, or think positively when it doesn’t make sense. But we can be aware of the presence of emotions—how they feel in our body: the pounding of the heart, the pain in the chest, the shortness of breath, the crinkles in the forehead, the tightness in the mind, and the desire for relief. We can breathe and let these emotions subside on their own, as they eventually do. We can allow our hearts to expand rather than contract—sending us into feelings of loneliness and pain. We can shift to gratitude for life. We can look at something real, something present—like a cup we just drank tea out of—and see the incredible generosity and service given to us through all the people and resources necessary to make that cup.
When Life Teaches—And We Listen Mindfully
Having gone through divorce, losing a child, and many others I have loved has only expanded my heart to understand pain and suffering.
I’ve witnessed that no matter who anyone is—what they look like, how much wealth or education or fame they have—it’s not easy to be human. Everyone is subject to suffering, at least from aging, sickness, and death. These are not battles to be won but truths we should embrace. Recognizing this can help our minds quiet down and our souls open to the realm of possibilities—to the incredible privilege of being cared for by the universe. Everything we are and need is provided to us by the Earth, the sun, and the rest of nature. If we see nature’s brilliant design and system we can mimic it and thrive in every aspect of our lives.
My book, It’s Not Easy to Be Human outlines nature’s wisdom, systems thinking and inner skills that help us live with fulfillment, flow, and ease in the waves of change.
More from this columnist:
Mindful Leadership: Dr. Motaghy’s Mission to Transform 1 Billion Lives
Dr. Manijeh Motaghy on Scaling Human Development to One Billion Lives
